the book calls it "anticipatory grief"

Every minute my heart aches. My mind goes nonstop. I grieve for the past and everything that he has already lost and for the future he will never get to have.

He will never go to school, he will never have a "best friend" to share secrets with. He will never come home from school and answer "nothing" when I ask what he learned that day. He will never have a favorite sport, subject or hobby. He will miss family game nights, Sunday morning cuddles and cartoons, birthday parties at the movie theater, vacations, family picnics and holidays. He'll never learn to drive a car. He'll never go to prom or run track or cross country. He'll never have the opportunity to learn from his mistakes. He's never even made a mistake. He'll never skydive, kayak, mountain climb, see the world. He'll never meet a girl and fall in love. He'll never have his own children, family or career.

He will never experience life the way every parent dreams their child will and so I grieve for myself and for him.

I know I'm not "supposed" to think like this, but honestly what parent wouldn't? From the minute your child is born you begin thinking about and planning for their future.

I was stopped at a stoplight the other day and across the street I saw a young man, fair haired, fair skinned and he had stopped and was holding a door open for an elderly man. I thought, how nice, and although I tried to stop myself, I couldn't help imagining it, could that polite young guy have one day been our Ollie? No of course not, I can't compare him to random guys I see, he is himself and no one will ever be just like him.

But I hate that I will never know what he'll grow up to look like, I hate that I will never get to know his personality, sense of humor or see him grow into a responsible adult, or even a sweet natured independent child.

And recently I've been grieving even more for Miles, Oliver's younger brother that he never got to meet, our red haired angel that was too beautiful for earth. My beautiful boys, I love you so much. I am so sorry you won't get the futures we dreamed up for you.

For now we live simply and in the moment. We make the most of every precious minute we have together. We kiss him, hug him, hold him, rock him, soothe him, breathe in his sweet scent, but it's not enough. It will never, ever, be enough.