We hear several times a day how "strong" we are being though all of this. And as much as I appreciate the sentiment (and I do) I truly don't understand it. I don't feel strong, not at all, not even for one minute of the whole day. So I feel like a real fake, a big phony, when people say I'm strong. I don't argue with them, I just say "Thank you" but a small voice inside of me is shouting "No, I'm not!" Where is the strength in watching our little Oliver die? In watching two children die? I feel like we're just existing here in a sad, dark place and keeping it together is getting tougher by the day. If this is strong, what does weak look like?
Ollie has stopped blowing kisses and hasn't spoken a word in over 3 weeks. My heart is in a million pieces, we will never hear him talk again. The next time a child is talking your ear off and you feel like they're driving you bananas, give them a huge hug and kiss instead and please be grateful. There is nothing I wouldn't sacrifice to have him talking to us. His last word was "Go!" when we were pulling him in the wagon and he didn't think we were going fast enough. Silly boy, always wanting to go faster, he would have been a great runner like his Mommy and Daddy.
Sleeping in the car, a rare but pleasant sight.
I believe that you can have the greatest strength and still feel weak or broken. You are strong in that your little Ollie knows his mommy and daddy are going to fight for him forever. I cannot even begin to understand how you must feel each and every day, but I do know that you, your husband, and your precious son are some of the strongest people I know. Sometimes strength isn't about winning, but just living the best you can with what god has given you.
ReplyDeleteStrength isn't prentending things are fine or keeping your emotions in check during a horrible situation. Strength is having the courage to get up every day and do what you know will break your heart over again. Strength is knowing you'll have to say goodbye but refusing to give up. Strength is taking advantage of every breath and every moment you have left.
ReplyDeleteI'd say you are seriously strong!
I have read and re read this post and I find myself each time shaking my head and thinking...if she only knew. I suppose for someone that has always been physically strong it is hard to see the meaning behind why when people see you they comment on how strong you are. It takes an enormous amount of strength to get up out of bed each day when sometimes the only thing you want to do is bury yourself under the covers. Believe me when I say that there are many people in this world that can't do this simple task and they are probably not facing the tasks that you go through each day.
ReplyDeleteI found myself thinking of you the other day as my Ashley got on the bus for the 1st time and I hoped that she would meet someone like you on the bus. It’s funny since out of all the countless moments that we have spent together that when I think of you there is always one particular image that comes to mind.
It is the start of the 5th grade and I am waiting for the bus. I distinctly remember feeling nervous and filled with anxiety. Why, I am not quite sure, perhaps it’s that moment of thinking you will get on the bus and have nowhere to sit, or the only open seat is next to someone that you can't stand. Anyways, I just know that I had that feeling of dread. The bus came and I climbed the stairs and looked around and all of a sudden I saw you. You had on your glasses that were just a little too big for you small face. Your hair was swept up away from your face with these big curls cascading down (God bless your mother for doing your hair like that each day) You were clasping your backpack that was teal and had little pink hearts on it. You saw me and flashed one of your ridiculously large grins and all of a sudden whatever anxiety I was feeling was gone. You know I can't tell you a single thing about that day after I sat down next to you but I can still remember how I felt. I imagine that is how Oliver must feel every time he sees you smile. So never discount your strength Katie, because sometimes it’s not what you are able to see but what others see in you that counts the most.