How can this be my life?
When asked by the priest on our wedding day "Will you raise your children up in the catholic faith?" I replied "lots of them" rather than a simple "we will". Everyone laughed, but I meant it, I've always said I wanted to have 5 children!
I'm the girl who adored playing "house" and "mommy" with her dolls growing up.
I'm the girl that thought about baby names years before becoming pregnant.
I went into teaching because I love children but also because I remember how awesome it was to grow up having my mom around during the summer and wanted to have those precious warm weather months to devote to my own children too.
How can this be happening?
So much has changed in a year. Last August our lives were perfect, we were living a dream. We had a beautiful son and had just found out I was pregnant with our second. We talked about getting bigger cars, finishing the basement and making it a playroom, turning our office into a second nursery, me taking time off to raise the children. This may sound cheesy, but Chris and I would randomly stop each other while walking around the house, give each other a kiss and say "I'm so happy" or "I love our life." Really. I feel like it was just yesterday. Life was simply wonderful.
What a difference a year makes. We wake up now and take care of our child, not knowing how long we'll have him with us. We can't stop his disease, there is no "miracle". We smile and laugh with him, but our days are filled with deep sadness, with measuring tube feeds, measuring medicine, consoling Oliver when his MLD causes him unprovocated irritability, managing his chronic pain, watching him lose every physical ability he has ever had, watching his cognitive skills decline, watching as he loses his ability to see and hear. It's painful, just existing through this each day, and today I don't feel very strong.